The Corrs came on the radio earlier today, with the song “What can I do to make you love me?”. I’m sure the delicious Angela Corr doesn’t ask herself that question often, even rhetorically, but it got me thinking about how many of us get caught up in that sort of mindset and cause ourselves untold emotional pain by thinking that, somehow, we can MAKE others do or feel things.
Manipulators are good at what they do
Some people have a good try. The manipulators. I used to have to do it professionally. I found it really hard to switch on an artificial 1000 watt ‘charm’, to pay laser focused attention to the dullest of conversations, because someone was ‘important’, or to pretend you were having an almost deliriously happy time at a tiresome function of bores.
I found it exhausting and debilitating. I hated it. I wasn’t much good at it. I was always sneaking off to have a fag (great excuse, even if you don’t smoke) or slowly edging closer to the exit and legging it when no-one was looking.
People had to like you, bond with you, often unnaturally quickly. I can’t do that unless I actually LIKE the person and, in the business I was in, that was rare. It was over-run with tossers.
There were some colleagues that were good at it. Oleaginous types that slithered around powerful people and fooled them into believing they were loved, revered, admired.
The rest of us could see the act a mile off and we despised the sycophants and lost respect for the bosses and senior clients that fell for it. But in 20 years of working life, I saw that nearly all of them fell for it.
The sycophants invariably got bonuses, big salaries and promotion; but they had no other talent other than faking that they liked people.
The fact that I couldn’t play this game, probably held me back. But it was too high a price to pay. Sure I could persuade, convince and sell work, but only if I believed in it.
That caused me problems, too, because I pushed people around me to deliver high standards and was known for my “candour” when asked to sell sub-standard work or bad ideas.
Psychopaths, Sociopaths and Narcissists – Oh my!
They say the successful manipulators are psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists. They are much the same thing. The narcissists in business are easy to spot; they have a vanity, a flashiness and swagger that gives them away.
In personal life, however, I met the other type of Narcissist. The ones that are better disguised. Deadlier. They specialise in making people ‘love them’ through PITY.
These Narcissists appear to be victims. They hook you in through a toxic mixture of pity and artificial charm. They choose compassionate, caring people with strength of character, that fully feel their emotions and have integrity. Unfortunately, these people are the easiest to exploit.
Narcissists can be the friend you are always bailing out of trouble, lending time and money to, or a lover who unaccountably blows hot and cold to unbalance your equilibrium.
They both drink up the good aspects of your character, add some bile and then spit you out, adding subtle, needling criticism. Later, you’ll experience full on character assassination because the ONLY way they can feel better about themselves is by making ‘better’ people, that they look up to, feel bad.
The Pity Trap
You can’t help but feel sorry for them, at first. They’ll tell you that they have no family or friends that care, that no one understands them (except you), that all their exes were abusive and cruel, the word ‘crazy’ is often used.
They’ll say they are such a soft and gentle creature, but somehow they have never felt at home in this world, until you came along. Sainted you.
Logically, the fact that they are estranged from family, have no friends and all of their relationships have been with terrible, crazy, people should ring alarm bells. The simple truth is the reason why they are alone is that they are a TOXIC NIGHTMARE!
This will be very well camouflaged by “love bombing” of you and you may feel that, at last, someone really ‘gets you’ or appreciates you in a way that you never imagined.
With friends like these…
If they are a ‘friend’, you’ll have some wild, fun, social times. But after a while, you’ll notice that you always end up paying, or making sure they get home, or have to perform part of a double act, because they need 100% of your attention and are using your charm and personality to get to know others. Others that they may well dump you for and leave you on your own in a club, without saying goodbye, having scrounged your last £20.
Heartbreak a speciality
As lovers, they will specialise in gas lighting, finding you addictively desirable one day and despicable the next. That’s quite a weird cycle to experience. It is a very effective form of mind control that confuses the victim into a deep infatuation that leaves them vulnerable and ready for the REALLY NASTY treatment that a Narcissist is energised by.
They despise you for falling for their fakery and admire the qualities that make you care. Then despise you for caring because they hate themselves so much. Quite a quandary.
You’re just not good enough
During the “I love you/I hate you” game, the Narcissist lover will be lining up his or her next victim. He or she will be on numerous dating and sex sites, charming their way into someone else’s pants. They might even let you ‘discover’ some of this, or come onto someone in front of you, some will even invite their next target into bed with you both.
The next stage is annihilation. They will find fault. Withdraw sex and physical contact. The faults will be something deeply personal, something you cannot change. Your height, your culture, your body, the birthmark on your thigh, your hair, your style – whatever makes you feel most insecure. Then you will be dumped, quite suddenly, once the next victim is ‘ripened’.
They invariably will come back, trying to charm you again, once they are bored or ‘without portfolio’. The abuse cycle will continue, speeded up, annihilation comes crueller and sooner. I’ve read that, once emotionally hooked, a victim goes back into a Narcissistic situation ,on average, seven times before they extricate themselves.
Social media and online dating are their favourite hunting grounds. Us compassionate, straightforward, types tend to be honest and give ourselves away. It’s the digital equivalent of leaving blood in the water for a shark. All empathetic people need to be careful in both business and leisure, for here there be vampires.
Men will pause 